The night began with a six man Tag Team match – Ziggler, Rowan, and Ryback wrestling Rollins, Kane, and Big Show – The Babyfaces vs. The Heels.
Announcer Michael Cole discussed the fact that these three Faces were previously terminated by The Authority, and stated that if you’re abused by the boss, you can go to Human Resources, but in the WWE, disputes are settled in the ring. Cole is absolutely right, except for the fact that the disputes and the matches are all fake in the WWE.
The Heels won after Big Show (not the legal man) hit Ziggler with a Knockout punch (KO punch), enabling Kane to lumber over and pin Ziggler. After the match, a melee broke out and Rollins curbstomped Ziggler and Rowan. As he was setting up to curbstomp Ryback, Randy Orton returned to the ring – after a long layoff – and RKO’d (out of nowhere) J&J Security and Kane. The Authority Heels fled the ring.
In a Family Feud, the Rhodes brothers (Goldust and Stardust) squared off. Apparently, they ran out of waterproof makeup (budget cuts?) and Stardust’s star literally and figuratively faded away after Goldust pinned him in a controversial pinfall. Stardust then attacked Goldust and dissed his father backstage.
In the Tag Team Championship Match, The Usos and (flanked by Naomi – Jimmy Uso’s wife) battled Tyson Kidd and Cesaro, who were flanked by Natalya (Tyson Kidd’s wife). In a match that was U-SO boring, Kidd pinned Jimmy Uso (or was it Jey Uso?) for the Championship. The “in the ring” announcer – Lillian Garcia – announced “The winner, and still, the new Tag Team Champion . . .” Oops.
Triple H entered the ring as the “Heartbeat of the WWE,” awaiting Sting’s entry. After Sting entered, Triple H mentioned how proud he was to have driven the WCW out of business, especially since Sting was the WCW. Triple H attacked Sting, and Michael Cole referred to Triple H as “the cerebral assassin.” Triple H entered the ring with a sledgehammer, but Sting was armed with a baseball bat. Sting dropped Triple H with a Scorpion Death Drop. They will battle at WRESTLEMANIA.
Paige, the Unholy Ghost, wrestled Nikki Bella for the Diva’s Championship. Bella won.
For the Intercontinental Championship, Ambrose was disqualified, allowing Bad News Barrett to keep the title.
A coffin was paraded in to Gregorian Chant music, but the crowd was faked out when Bray Wyatt emerged from the coffin, instead of The Undertaker. In his usual spooky segment, Wyatt sought a match with The Undertaker. Booker T. stated that Wyatt “pulled the biggest card in the deck.” Interesting. In our decks, the cards are all the same size, Booker.
Rusev, the Bulgarian who pretends to be from Russia, submitted Cena to retain the US Heavyweight Championship title. Rusev gained momentum after Lana, his manager, entered the ring and distracted the referee, allowing Rusev to sneak in a low blow, which resulted in an Accolade. Despite Cena’s motto – Never Give Up – he gave up.
In the Main Event, Roman Reigns speared Bryan. Reigns will now confront Brock Lesnar for the Championship at Wrestlemania.
Our FEED ME MORE award goes to Randy Orton for his unannounced appearance and three RKO’s Out of Nowhere.
Our FEED ME MORON award goes to the Makeup Artist who applied the makeup to Goldust and Stardust. The makeup ran quicker than Rollins fleeing from Randy Orton.