RAW BRAWDCAST – April 6, 2015 (Austin, TX)
Michael Cole is still absent from his Lesnar “injury” (translation: he’s on vacation), but JBL returned after unspecified “surgery” (he’s not on vacation). Byron Saxton filled in.
WWE World Heavyweight Champion Seth Rollins could barely open the show over the boo’s. Randy Orton interrupted The Authority’s self-adulation, as the crowd chanted “RKO, RKO.” Rollins referred to Orton as a “whiny little complainer.” RKO challenged Rollins to a Championship match, but Kane decided that the Challenger for the World Heavyweight Championship at Extreme Rules will be the winner of an Orton, Roman Reigns, and Ryback match.
Kane wrestled Orton. Orton won.
AJ Lee’s retirement was announced. Thankfully, WWE fans will forever be spared her theme music – “Let’s Light It Up.”
Kane and Rollins exchanged angry words; Kane called himself the only one who’s “got it” in the authority. Rollins wanted Kane to step down as Director of Operations. Rollins was then scheduled to wrestle Adrian Neville.
Rollins called Neville “nervous” and offered Neville to sit out, which earned Rollins a kick to the groin, reminiscent of Jon Stewart. Booker T. growled, “Rollins ain’t no Curtis Axel.” Neville displayed some impressive acrobatics, but Rollins pinned Neville after a curb stomp. J&J Security then beat up Neville.
John Cena, resembling Fred Flintsone, appeared and characteristically yelled jingoistic things at the crowd. He issued an open challenge and Stardust appeared, with even more bizarre accoutrements to his outfit. It was the WWE Kiss Ass vs. the WWE Hiss Ass – a Face vs. a Face Painter. Cena pinned Stardust after an AA. The announcers were impressed with Cena’s springboard stunner.
Paige and Naomi defeated The Bellas when Naomi pinned one of The Bellas.
Ryback faced Luke Harper. JBL used the word “bicuspids.” Ryback pinned Harper after a Shellshock.
Renee Young interviewed the New Day and asked how they felt about the chant, “New Day Sucks.” Their answer was almost as ridiculous as the question. (“If we don’t clap, we snap.”).
New Day wrestled Lucha Dragons as the crowd chanted, “New, Day sucks.” Lucha Dragons showed their usual acrobatic acumen and pinned the New Day. Here’s an idea: trade the New Day to TNA for Curt Angle.
The Authority and the announcers praised Big Show for perhaps being “the greatest giant of all time.” The only difference between Big Show and Andre the Giant is that Andre the Giant actually won his matches. Roman Reigns pinned Big Show after 3 Superman Pinches and a Spear.
In a poorly acted segment, Kane agreed to a Battle Royal match between The Divas next week to determine the #1 contender for The Divas title.
Sheamus was flapping his gums in the ring challenging anybody, when Mark Henry, the world’s strongest man, came out to challenge him. He challenged anybody, but JBL said, “Sheamus challenged anybody; he didn’t say Mark Henry.” Hey JBL, anybody includes everybody, which includes Mark Henry. Sheamus pinned Mark Henry after a Brogue Kick. Is WWE setting up a Sheamus/Ziggler match at Extreme Rules?
In a pre-taped smoky segment, Bray Wyatt spewed profundities about fear – for no apparent reason.
The Miz and Mizdow – once the most entertaining Tag Team in WWE History – squared off against each other. The Miz pinned Mizdow.
The Main Event Triple Threat match featured Ryback, Randy Orton, and Roman Reigns. Time was short and Orton pinned Ryback after an RKO to earn a shot at Rollins for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship at Extreme Rules. Rollins then curbstomped Orton.
Our FEED ME MORE Award goes to AJ Lee for retiring and, most of all, retiring her annoying theme music – Let’s Light It Up.
Our FEED ME MORON Award goes to the New Day. Retire that Tag Team.