Sadly, they began RAW by giving the microphone to Roman Reigns. Reigns taunted Bryan, who taunted Reigns, and then Stephanie McMahon taunted both. She criticized Bryan for stuffing Kane into a casket during a Casket Match, in which the rules required that the winner stuff the loser into a casket because it’s a Casket Match. The Authority made the rules, and then criticized Bryan for following them.
After that, the two lumbering, inflexible, aging wrestlers (Kane and Big Show) took on Reigns and Bryan. Reigns and Bryan beat the Hosses by disqualification. There were post-match hijinks that culminated with Bryan accidentally kicking Reigns when Kane moved out of the way.
Ryback beat Rollins (Mr. Money in the Bank) by disqualification after J&J Security interfered with the match. After the match, Rollins curb-stomped Ryback.
Paige, the Unholy Ghost, pinned Brie Bella.
Rusev, the Bulgarian who pretends to be a Russian, taunted Cena, and vice versa, to build drama before their confrontation on WWE Fast Lane. They got into a scrape afterward, with Rusev trying to injure Cena’s damaged eye, which announcer JBL referred to as a “Bullseye.”
Bray Wyatt pinned Showboat, Drama Queen, Dolph Ziggler after a Sister Anabel. Wyatt has been on a hot streak lately. And Ziggler has been on an overacting streak ever since he joined the WWE.
Paul Heyman, the corpulent advocate, spoke eloquently on behalf of his client, Brock Lesnar.
The New Day, as usual, got zero crowd reaction during their entrance. They need some swag. But they pinned Goldust, as Stardust left the ring in the middle of the match. Afterward, Stardust hissed at Goldust (his real life half brother) because Goldust called him “Cody” (which is the actual first name of the actor playing Stardust). We’re wondering where this family feud will go. Will this legendary tag team be broken up?
Triple H asked Sting to appear and accept his challenge to meet at WWE Fast Lane. As the lights dimmed, Sting suddenly appeared in the ring, then disappeared, with the words “I ACCEPT” on the screen. Well done.
Tyson Kidd and Cesaro – pound for pound, the most boring wrestlers in WWE – pinned the Usos.
Mizdow, by himself, wrestled Sin Cara. The Miz looked on from his Director’s Chair and interfered with the match by bossing his “Personal Assistant” around during the match. This allowed C wrestler Sin Cara to pin Mizdow.
Dean Ambrose pinned Curtis Axel, who is still yelling that he should be in Wrestlemania when he wasn’t even able to enter the ring at The Royal Rumble.
In the Main Event, Rollins, J&J Security, Kane and Big Show squared off against Bryan and Reigns. Big Show hit Roman Reigns with a knockout punch, leaving 5 against Daniel Bryan. Ryback, Rowan, and Ziggler came to assist Bryan. Ultimately, Reigns returned to the ring and speared and pinned one of the J&J gnomes to win the match. Then, Reigns manhandled Bryan.
Our FEED ME MORE award goes to Sting for the dramatic appearance and quick exit in the dark Ring.
Our FEED ME MORON award goes to Brian Williams, the lying anchorman, who was mentioned by Paul Heyman. Maybe Brian Williams is . . . Sting?